That's a Good Question.

On defeatist attitudes.

I understand that there are a lot of variables that can change the trajectory of one’s whole life. Trust me, I get it more than you know. As a law school grad, there is almost no better example than the fragility of your entire legal career, which can be entirely thrown off based on a single grade from a single test during a single semester. But if you let all those thoughts bring you down, you will probably die from anxiety or have a nervous breakdown, crumpled in a ball with dried tears on your face, to be found later in a padded cell.

We all encounter big moments in our lives that can make or break us. But what sets people apart is how they handle it.

What I can’t stand is when people put up road blocks, say why they can’t do something, why it won’t work, why they don’t believe they can do it. Basically, quitting before even trying. And that equals failure 100% of the time. Make no mistake, failure sucks. But then you learn, and you get better. And here’s the thing—nothing feels more awesome than trying hard and having it pay off. Winning. You can only do that if you try.

That’s not why.

So have you seen that show Ready For Love? Maybe not, considering it was cancelled after only two episodes. But as a lover of love and all shows about it, I thought it was a fantastic twist on the typical reality dating game. On the show, 3 matchmakers/love “experts” each pick out 4 girls for 1 guy, and throughout the show they coach their girls on how to get the guy.

One of the matchmakers, Tracy McMillan, wrote an incredibly popular article on HuffPo titled, “Why You’re Not Married.” Though I really like Tracy on the show, I read her article and frankly, it pissed me off.   

Here’s why.

She Makes The Ring the Only Goal

In the beginning of the article, Tracy says that she was born knowing how to get married, and uses her three (unsuccessful) marriages as evidence. Right there, she makes it seem like the only goal is the “getting married” part, and not the finding a forever-kind-of-love-with-a-good partner part. She also describes her third and last husband as a “very nice liar and cheater.” In my dating life, my parents have told me that each guy I date is better than the last, and that’s a good thing. What is Tracy learning from her marriages if her last one ended in deception and adultery? I don’t know about ‘dem other girls, but I want a love that lasts, with a good man. 

She Leaves Out the Only Necessary Information

Tracy says that she sought out very specific traits in her men, and those traits were particularly well suited to men who wanted to get married. But she doesn’t spill! To me, figuring out what to look for is the hard part. Once you know what you want, anything is a piece of cake. Instead of saying what men these women should be seeking, she makes a huge leap to say that the problem is not with the men, but the women.

She Blames Women for Their Poor Character

In the guts of the article, she lists the six reasons she believes that her audience is unmarried. She says it’s because they are bitchy, shallow, slutty, selfish liars who aren’t good enough to be wifed by the men they seek.

WHOA.

Maybe that’s true, maybe most eligibly-aged, unmarried women are one or all of these things. But I know a lot of mean girls and loose girls and dishonest girls that get locked down all the time. You know them, too. They are the horrible women who you can’t believe found guys that will put up with their unique brand of BS. They force their boyfriends to move in too soon and make them buy a Bichon Frise when all the guy has ever wanted is a Bulldog. And then they get married. Do those people end up happy? I don’t know, but that’s another issue for another day.

I don’t think those character flaws are the reason why many women are not married by the age they would prefer. Truthfully, I think one of the main reasons is because they pick the wrong men. Or, rather, they let the wrong men pick them. Because let’s be honest, when you’re lonely (aka, desperate), you take what comes rather than looking and waiting for what you want. Because being with someone sometimes is more comfortable than being alone and working for it. Or because the wrong men are often so charming and habit-forming it’s hard not to want them and even harder to let them go. So women date and date and date the wrong guys and eventually things just don’t work out.

I have learned that people really don’t change much. Mean people are mean and liars will be liars and selfish people will always put themselves first. That’s that. Sure, you can try to be better, but your core is your core. Bottom line, it’s who you choose to spend your time with that will determine when you get married, no?

I’ll admit – Tracy doesn’t have it ALL wrong. She does say that one should choose a man of good character, not just one who is tall or rich or athletic. She cuddles her readers with the sentiment that they are good enough right now, and that loving oneself is of the utmost importance. But women already have enough to worry about. They are probably already thinking “What’s wrong with me?” when they can’t elicit that proposal. Well I’ll tell you, honey, there’s nothing wrong with you. Someone out there will love you. I promise. Just don’t wait for the hot bartender that texts you sometimes to get down on one knee. Enjoy him, and then go find a real man.